Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I think i got beer on your cat.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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