he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
