look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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