my phone needs a breathalizer
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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