I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
