So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
