You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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