I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
