While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
