A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I cockslap morals
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
