there's paper in my vomit.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
