I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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