he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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