oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
