When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
