I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
should my penis look like a turkey
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
