i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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