Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My penis needs a shock collar
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
