heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
