im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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