You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
ttyl tear gas
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
