Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
