Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
