you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
