atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
