he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
