JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
