she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
