dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
