It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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