Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
