I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
