it wasn't lemon gatorade
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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