I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
