for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
