tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
