I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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