so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
