Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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