Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
