Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
