You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
