I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
