i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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