Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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