Cold hands, warm shart.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
