just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i came on her dog
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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