What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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