We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
party gras won. party gras always wins.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
