she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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