Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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