are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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