someone threw a dead crab at me
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
