Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
how drunk are you?
Several
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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