smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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