Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
