It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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