i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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