i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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