how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
