You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
